For the Record

- I started really gaining weight as a child when things at home got very difficult.  I learned to use food as a coping agent. However, I am now an adult and have no excuse for letting that emotional eating continue.

- I am not 'big boned'...I'm just seriously fat.

- I do NOT believe obesity is a 'disease'.

- I believe the only fix for obesity is eating healthy and exercising.

- I do NOT think that what I weigh is okay or acceptable. I feel I am abusing the gift of a potentially healthy body given to me by God.

- I am not healthy. It would be literally impossible for me to be healthy at this weight. Impossible. Even if I were running marathons weekly (which.......c'mon), carrying around this much excess weight is a strain on my body and heart.

- I think being fat is a poor choice I am making. No excuses.

But, having said that, I want my children to always feel worthy of love and happiness no matter their size.  Maybe at some point they will struggle with their weight (don't most women?) and I want to make absolutely certain that they know they are beautiful and worthy no matter what.  But I will be devastated if they struggle with weight the way I have my entire life. 

 

At School...

Me: If you could change one thing about Mommy, what would it be?

Ella: That you would be less fat.

(slight pause)

Me: Why do you say that?

Ella: Because kids at school tease me about it.

Me: What? What do they say?

Ella: Any time you come to my class, when you leave, Jeremiah says 'Ha ha! Yor Mom is FAT!

Me: Hmmm, that's not very nice to say.

Ella: No.

(longer pause while I feel guilty about being the cause of teasing in my child's life. then I realize...if it wasn't fat, it would be something else because Moms are embarrassing. period.)

Me: Do you think I should change or Jeremiah should change?

(pause to consider)

Ella: HE should change.

Me: Yep. Because there are all different looking people in this world. And we all can't change the way we look, but we can control how nice we are to people.

(but inside...I still died a little)