two weeks post-op

feeling a bit better each day.
had my first instance of diet sabotage.
can't wear my pre-surgery jeans anymore.
incisions still hurting.
still bouts of light-headedness.
very hopeful moving forward.

WEIGHT LOSS TO DATE: 40 LBS

pureed phase

hooray! hooray!

i made it past the full liquids phase.

you don't realize how lovely chewing is until it's gone.

today starts the pureed food stage which adds to the old diet...

- purees meats (i would rather die)

- scrambled and poached eggs

- cottage cheese

- mashed potatoes

- purred cooked veggies 

- hot cereals (like oatmeal)

these are the guideline set forth by my program...however,

my good friend Lauralee had the surgery a year and a half ago

at a program that included sliced deli meats during this phase.

i am going to go ahead and adopt that option.

if she survived (and thrived - she lost 171 pounds in her first year)

i am sure i'll be fine as well.

yeah, it's kind of a broken rule, but i'm down with it.

i ate one scrambled egg for lunch today and nothing has ever tasted better.

i got to chew something, people!  it was magic.

although i did finish the egg and THEN realized it was a bit too much

and felt uncomfortably full.

next time i will eat less than a full egg.

the funk that i experienced last week lifted and i am happy to

say i have been emotionally more and more able to adapt to

this new life without mourning the food.

i hope to continue on the upswing!

WEIGHT LOSS TO DATE: 38 LBS

*Photo © Danilo Alfaro

product review: greek yogurt

I bought three different brands of Greek Yogurt and taste-tested each one.
The results are in and my favorite is...

CHOBANI

Why I love it:
1. I have really liked the taste of each flavor I have tried except for the black cherry.
2. The lable has a HUGE numeral on it so you know exactly which percentage of fat you are buying.

3. The single serve are perfect for the first (or Full Liquid) stage of recovery. At 6 oz per cup, it's two perfect servings per container.

My favorite flavor:
Lemon.  Soooo good and it has no fruit chunks in it....perfect!

good news

things are slowly getting easier.
i feel better and i am getting less tired all the time.
and i haven't cried about food once in the past two days.
progress.

minus thirty

as of this morning i have lost 30.3 pounds in the last two weeks.
the past week i didn't see it or feel it,
probably because my stomach was swollen from surgery,
but the swelling must be going down
because today my pre-op jeans were falling down a bit.
the biggest change is in my face. 
it looks different.

i should feel triumphant, right?
but i don't.
and i hate that i don't. 
i just want to eat pizza.
the emotional part of this is MUCH harder than expected.

Yesterday, Today & Resolve

Yesterday was a good day. I ate my crappy liquid meals at all the right times and rested and felt well. This morning I got up, feeling physically the best I have felt since surgery and took a shower, cleaned my car and grabbed some groceries. Yep it was a good day. Until dinnertime.

My husband volunteered to make dinner for himself and the kids and pulled out a griddle, cooking up juicy hamburgers with plenty of melted cheese. I had told him right before surgery that he didn't have to worry about making yummy food around me....I would be fine. But tonight I wasn't fine.

I made two different concoctions in my mini blender in a search for something high in protein and remotely palatable. Both versions were flushed down the sink while I lamented wasting food and protein powder. I tried again and finally settled on a oddly textured smoothie with greek yogurt, skim milk and fresh fruit. I sat at the table and watched my family load burgers with juicy toppings and tasty condiments and I began to feel it. The call of food. The call of good food that sits in your stomach and makes you feel full. Food that you chew.

I finally said aloud, "What's SO wrong with being fat? Is it really that big of a deal?" the end of this statement was choked in tears.

There was no response. I didn't need one. I wondered for the first time this week if I made a horrid mistake and, more eerily, if I could un-do this procedure. I finished my shake and left the table.

I determined to find some insight. I turned to my Kindle, on which I had loaded 3 or 4 highly rated books on Weight Loss Surgery the previous month. After looking at the titles I decided on a book written by a Psychologist (obese herself) about her lifelong battle with food. And there it was, in the first or second chapter.

She explores what is truly at the source of our joy and happiness in life. The answer? Relationships.

And it brought me back to the memory of one of the reasons why I went into surgery to get my stomach cut up and re-sewn. My family. My kids. My friendships.

I have been overweight since childhood, but it was an overweight I could handle. Chubby. I was fine with that. I never had an eating disorder or hid in my room because of my weight. Until now. Now my weight is serious. Morbidly Obese. And I am ashamed. I don't want to sit too close to people because what if that made them feel uncomfortable? I don't want to befriend others when they move into my area because, if they're thin, they probably won't want to be friends with me. I don't want to be a Room Mom at my kids' school because what if the other kids teased them because their mom is fat?

In the past year, for the first time in my life, my weight is effecting my relationships on every level. When my kids want me to play with them at the park I sit on the sidelines. When my husband says I am beautiful I don't believe him. When new friendships might be made I shy away because of my weight.

Is FOOD more important than PEOPLE? It's so simple. So easy to answer. No.

Food is supposed to nourish my body.
Not be my best friend.
Or therapist.
Or comforter.
Or boredom reliever.
Or bad-day fixer.

Food is supposed to nourish my body.
Relationships are supposed to nourish my soul.

I will keep repeating this in the coming week as I choke down more grainy, protein-tasting liquids.

Regret

3:23 AM
Laying in bed with incisions stinging.
Stomach hurting.
And all I can think about is a Domino's pepperoni pizza with extra cheese.
I can imagine exactly how it tastes. 
How good it would feel to eat pizza right now.
And I freak out.
Why did I do this to myself?!
By choice?!!
I chose this and I hate it!
Then I fell asleep crying.

Surgery: Day 2

This morning I feel amazing. I am in almost no pain. When it's time to walk around the unit I am a total rock star, lapping the looping hallway three times.  I start to feel giddy. This is it! The beginning of my NEW life and it's going to be amazing! I am so glad I made this decision.

The future stretches out before me like a beach scene in a 50's surfer movie. Fun! Freedom! Health! It's going to be great!

I can drink water today and that is a huge balm. I sip it per instructions. I don't ever feel anything close to hunger. I am excited.

And then Noon came and went.

In the afternoon I start to feel lousy. My pain is raising. I feel more tired and my lap around the hallway ends after one go. I am itchy and hot and in pain and afraid.  I schedule my nurse to give me pain meds every four hours to try and get on top of the pain, but it doesn't happen. Fear starts to set in.

I refuse a shower because I am too freaked out at the JP port hanging from my side.  This probably doesn't help my mood as I sit in my bed and contemplate if I have made a horrible mistake.

Surgery: Day 1

My surgery time was scheduled for 7:30 am, which meant I had to arrive at the hospital at 5:30 am.  I went under and when I came to I was in a regular hospital room, on a floor of our hospital specifically for WLS post-op.  I wasn't given anything to drink except this pathetic stick with a sponge on the end that I could use to wet my dry, cracked mouth every once in a while. It was torture.

I am drugged up, but I feel pretty good.  After a few hours the nurse comes by to take me for a walk. I am surprised at how well I do. I am feeling good, better than I thought I would. All I can think is...I did this. It's done. There's no going back now.

The end of the day comes without fear or problems.

Tomorrow

It's happening tomorrow morning. The day is almost here.
I am freaking out, not because I am scared, but because this is a HUGE deal.
But I am confident it will be a good change.

My friend told me to buy some goal clothing, but I can't make myself.  It is unimaginable to ever be a size Large. I know it will happen, but I can't believe it.  Also, what is my style when I am not Plus Size. I don;t even know. Right now I dress for my body type, which generally means black, v-neck shirts and wide leg trouser jeans. But what if there weren't those sorts of restrictions?  I don't think I even know what I will like, when all clothing options are before me like a buffet.  Bad choice of simile.

This is it.
After tomorrow, my life will never be the same.

No more:
- sleep apnea
- knee pain
- constant fatigue
- embarrassment about not fitting into booths
- hogging the armrest
- acid reflux
- feeling like less because of my weight
- thinking of excuses to not play with my kids
- seat belt extenders
- lane bryant

I'm ready.

pre-surgery visit

i wish every visit i had to my clinic didn't end with a snarky blog post, but it is what it is.  i met with my surgeon today. he strode into the room, shook my hand and said,

"so, are you ready to prove them all wrong?!!"

"prove all who wrong?"

"well, i don't mind telling you, pretty much everyone in this office doubts you can be successful after surgery. but i kept telling them, 'nope! i think Betty will get it and pull through!', but they were doubtful."

at that point i wish he did mind telling me.

it's hard to be a life-long fatty and feel like nobody believes you can lose weight, least of all yourself, and then to have a team of professionals expecting your failure is sucky.  so sucky.

can i do it?
i hope so.

the little fat-girl in my mind screams "no! you can't do it. look at all of teh times you've tried to lose weight before. this is no different."

but i am going to try and silence her.
forever.

Products I Love: Mini Blender

Tuesday started my week long full-liquid diet.  It actually wouldn't be so bad if I weren't so damn hungry.  This means I think it will be totally manageable after surgery when my stomach is just a tiny pouch.

This new diet means lots of protein shakes.  But protein shakes are gross and kind of hard to mix completely. While I was in Wal*Mart last week buying endless supplies of sugar free pudding and cream-of-whatever soup, I spotted this personal blender for $15.  I bought it and, holy cow, I love this thing.

It's the HAMILTON BEACH PERSONAL BLENDER WITH TRAVEL LID.  It has the liquid measurements on the side of the cup, which fits onto a very small base.  You pour the water in, add 1 scoop of chocolate protein powder and hit the one and only button.  Voila!  It whipped my grainy chocolate powder into fluffy submission.

The top has a sliding valve which can be pushed back to reveal a spout. So you can lift the personal sized mixing cup right off the base and head out the door with your protein shake.  When the powder began to settle to the bottom, I simply slid the little cover over the opening and shook it to re-mix. Awesome.

It was also really easy to clean. I rinsed it out with a little dish soap and water and I was ready to go the next morning.  Seriously, this is a $15 very well spent.

But it here on Amazon.com or check your local Wal*Mart.

the final meal

we all know what's going to happen once you get a date for surgery: the final meal.

i really wanted it to be a good one, however, i spent the entire afternoon with three kids in tow, scowering Wal*Mart and Costco for what i need to have before surgery. a million and one vitamin supplements. protein powder. crappy liquid foods for the week pre-surgery.

we ended up at five guys burgers and fries and finished it off with a gigantic ice cream from maggie moo's.  then this morning i started my week-long liquid diet to prep for surgery.  and...i'm starving.

today i received this book which i ordered from amazon.com. it got the highest ratings of post-surgery cookbooks and i really hate reading books with "idiots" or "dummies" in the title.

flipping through this made me feel a little better.  might i actually get to EAT something at some point in the future? yes.  mostly i don't care though.  when you have been fat for so long and a light appears at the end of the tunnel, you are willing to imagine a life without devouring a full pan of brownies while watching the biggest loser.

Nine Days

Tonight I made a HUGE list of what I needed to get finished before my surgery in 9 days. Then, I slowly began ticking items off the list....

STUFF TO BUY:
- Costco brand Chocolate Protein shake
- Heart Rate Monitor
- Food for Full Liquid diet
- Supplements/Pills
- Special Shampoo & Conditioner
- Clothes and Underwear in various sizes.
- Birth Control Pills
- Water Bottle without straw

STUFF TO ACCOMPLISH:
- Take Before Photos and Measurements.
- Organize clothing by size
- Start a Weight Loss blog/Journal
- Join online WLS support group
- Talk to Johnstons about watching the kids

STUFF TO PACK FOR THE HOSPITAL:
- My pillow
- Loose clothing
- Fan
- Lip Balm
- Toiletries
- Slippers
- Current Meds
- Water Bottle